a primer on the rules of cricket

1. The batsman plays in front of the wicket facing away from but not in direct opposition to the porter who stands 18 paces from the edge of the bowl.

2. 6 deliveries is an over, 8 deliveries is a gallagher, 12 deliveries is a super over which is, naturally, frowned upon. The bowler is required to provide his own ball but not his own cap.

3. A series consists of 3 matches taking place daily over 5 days. If at the the end of the 5 days, a score has not been settled, a ‘confusion’ is called and the series is replayed beginning the second Wednesday following or the 12th of the month, whichever is further.

4. Should it begin to rain, the gully and the striker switch hats and call a huddle near their respective team’s basket. Host country is required to provide umbrellas and pudding.

5. Each team is allowed 11 players and it is required that at least one of those players be a referee who, in coordination with the other team’s referee and the head accountant, shall keep score and enforce the observation of the proceeding and postceeding rules.

6. At the conclusion of a series, there shall be the follies.

7. The pitch shall be kept to a length of no greater than 20 meters with the wicket capable of holding 2.5 liters of liquid the shape of which is to be determined by each side. Should wicket prove to be over or undersized by use of Water Measure then offending side is to have 8 jimmies deducted from their pre-dismissal gross.

8. Rule 5 applies only to test cricket and not to DRT cricket which allows for the use of 2 referees per side as determined qualified by the head accountant or otherwise gentlemanly onlooker.

9. During the lunch break youths no older than 10 may frolic on the grass provided they wear white and have the permission of their governess.

10. A batsman is out caught if a fielder catches the ball fully within the field of play without it bouncing once the ball has touched the striker’s bat or glove holding the bat. If a batsman could be given out caught or by any other method except bowled, ‘caught’ takes precedence.

11. In the event of a wide, a run shall be scored to the batsman’s team but not the batsman. This run shall be called a holly or a bosh depending upon local playing conditions.

12. Should play be interrupted by the flight of a sparrow, time shall be given for gazing before play is restarted and the hourglass is overturned.

13. It is given that the wicket-keep should keep the wickets throughout the nights of the match should his quarters prove suitable. Should they not prove suitable, the wicket-keep shall retire with the wickets in nearest suitable boarding house at the wicket’s expense.

14. Henceforth, the Irish are allowed to play.

15. Balls shall weigh no more than a poussin and be no less in circumference than a school marm’s apple.

16. Should a player wish to smoke a pipe they may do so with the affectations of a bannister on the condition they maintain good cheer with their fellows by offering their tobacco.

17. A captain shall be elected from each side and from among the gentlemen observers. These captains shall, in the event of a tie or jig, determine the winner of the match through conference. Should the observers prevail, each shall be awarded their share of the biscuits upon retiring from the grounds.

18. Revision to rule 15 after adoption of metric standards of measure: Balls shall weigh no more than a poussin 163 grams and be no less in circumference than a school marm’s apple 229mm.

19. In the event of a mystery, play should be stopped until the apprehension of the culprit with the assistance of the judge’s bludgeon. Play shall then continue on in the manner of the last seen sparrow.

20. If a captain declares an innings closed, or forfeits an innings, or enforces the follow-on, and the other captain is prevented thereby from exercising his option of the rolling permitted (maximum 7 minutes), or if he is so prevented for any other reason, the extra time required to complete the rolling shall be taken out of the normal playing time.

21. Weather determined by a canvassing of the nobles to be inclement shall result in a fortnight’s delay during which time each player shall be afforded one loaf of pudding and one hot water bottle per diem.

22. This delay shall be called by the home team a “Jammy” and the away team a “Gulliver.” The groundlings need not speak of it at all.

23. Should it ever be determined who told the Australians about the game, play shall be cancelled until such time as a large pike might be acquired. Any curious Queenslanders shall be told some pishposh about it being the DARKENING INNING though, of course, the DARKENING INNING happens only in Lunius. Should it actually be the DARKENING INNING, any Queenslander with sense will be in his hovel.

24. A dropped catch is called a “Ninny.”

25. Given an errant bowl, the runner is allowed to advance a number of wickets equal to but not exceeding his proximity from the King Queen determined by The Boy counting off every odd numbered pace until he reaches the Monarch. His bow shall not count as a pace though his failure to properly address the Monarch shall result in an immediate re-counting of the pace, this time on the even footfall.

26. In the event a match exceeds a yeoman’s working week, four dullards from each team’s county shall be found, greased, and set upon the pitch until such time as one hath vanquished his foes and shall, individually, be declared the winner and rewarded with a generous estate in one of the colonies or a geographically commiserate amount of tea.

27. The Prime Minister shall not be invited except at the discretion of the magistrate who can take, in exchange for the invitation, one night with the Prime Minister’s wife spouse after the State’s next masque.

28. A successful catch is called a “Ninny.”

29. The digging of a trench for the purposes of tripping the elephant is, henceforth, ruled bad sportsmanship and the offending shovelman shall be repositioned atop the parapet until such time as a passing knight errant honors his dropped kerchief. He shall be given 6 kerchiefs or 4 if the beast dies.

30. Gambling is strictly prohibited for amounts larger than 18 guineas, 5 pence, 49 marbles, 2 obs, and a finger’s balcots.

31. The bowler shall be allotted one villain. The villain shall be allotted one nemesis. The nemesis shall be allotted one savior. The savior is allotted nothing. None of these parties shall be allowed in the stadium nor made aware of the game of cricket under penalty of scheming.

32. Tuesday, being The Duke’s day, shall be skipped in matches that go on longer than the time between an orphans breakfasts and all subsequent days reordered and renumbered in perpetuity or until the fifth ninth Monday of eighth September.

33. The gambling of shoes is required with the terms secured and held by a foreign national equipped with the proper deity and without want of a castle. Shoes shall be held in the castle with separate keeps to segregate the jodhpurs from the paddocks.

34. Upon the retirement of the butler, his wife shall be made aware of the affair.

35. After assessing the temperament of the bees, any player stung unduly shall be within his rights to engage a barrister and seek recompense from the opposing player nearest the bee at the time of trial.

36. Should fruit be provided oranges are not to be served until the conclusion of the most recent kerfuffle with the Boers.

37. The scuffle with the Boers shall never truly conclude.

38. In the yellow wicket a player may charge the officiate with “Possession” at which time the player will have three attempts to name the demon. Success earns the player the wizard’s hat. Failure and the wizard gets to hold the player by the hand and walk him off.

39. The failure to exclaim “That’s a feisty bowl of pudding!” after a particularly spectacular woogly results in the whip with no consideration given to the condemned’s spleen.

40. Spectacularity is to be determined by the dowager whose whimsy is least beyond reproach. Regardless of the dowager, during the cascades, players are required to say “That’s a feisty bowl of pudding!” in the ratio of sparrows to farthings.

41. Should a rowdydown turn mortal succession shall proceed Lillywald-fashion lest the blondest heir is found to be a papist. In consequence, the fight shall resume till such time as an appropriately fairheaded scion can be birthed.

42. Each batsman may propose one treaty of which can be live no less than six signatories from each side. Upon ratification, the treaty shall be enforced upon penalty of Hostage.

43. Enforcement of the Treaties shall be made the domain of the Council whose seats shall be the highest and made of a wood of a density greater or equal to cherry lest a treaty specifically change the terms of their leisure.

44. Gwyneth Paltrow.

45. Given the dimensions of the pitch, a astrolabe need be procured for the buryment of the King’s Coin. Though it has not happened recently, should the Coin anger The Dragon, play shall procede after a Heroe’s Queste in the bygone style not ending until rise of the tumulus and the remarriage of the widow however many fortnights. Should the widow choose not to remarry or should no players remain alive from either side or in the event The Dragon wins by swallowing the Coin, the sport shall be ended and the ground salted without need of an astrolabe.

46. At such a time as The Bafflement the sides shall be halved and halved again, with new Banners produced during the Recess and raised upon commencement. Should sides split beyond the number of players, new players shall be procured and new armorials created. Colors too should necessity arise.

47. Should it come to pass that each player plays only for themselves they shall be rechristened families and the field shall be rechristened town. Each player should achieve a trade though this shall not be the end of the game but the beginning of a new one.

48. No rules shall be made pertaining to the angle of despair only that it should be looked upon and lamented.

49. A four bowl must be called a demi-cannon though the first to say it must be an orphan with the compliment seconded by the procurement of a loaf of pudding for all surrounding rapscallions to enjoy beneath the bleachers. Upon completion of the compliment, the orphans shall form their own team, The Ragamuffins, who shall compete only to disrupt the honor of their betters.

50. Forthwith the Littlest Lord shall be allowed to serve as a wicket though should any ball come in contact with him the game shall cease lest it be his moon’s day feast in which case any ball not coming in contact with him will be called A Necromancer’s Eye and gifted to the lepers to be boiled to tincture.

51. God’s spilt tea–or “rain”–shall cause a cessation of play known as a nilly. Refreshments of no less than one banger a man shall be served until play resumes after consultation with the hygrometer. Should the field be of sufficient antiquity so as to lack a hygrometer, an expedition shall be undertaken to recover its treasure for the National Museum.

52. After consultation with the Worshipful Company of Cordwainers, all players shall relinquish their bootery and take up the plimsoll.

53. Players having bowlen with THE DEVIL’S HAND sacrifice to the Rector one MALE CHILD for each accursed throw with gibbleys awarded to the Godly team in the form of a reliquary brought by one FEMALE CHILD. Should the condemned player lack the children or the means of producing them before the hour of the hanging, street urchins shall be lured to the grounds with food until they are no longer required or the demonic team expires its muffins.

54. Per decree, the game shall henceforth be known as Pope’s Chess. 

55. Befallen by shipwreck, any able-bodied man washed ashore must set about constructing a pitch for the challengement of any cannibal natives who shall be given two score minutes for the memorization of these rules, formation of a team, and the preparation of adequate bangers to be served in event of a nilly. The winning seaman shall claim all land and monsters on behalf of the crown. The losing seaman shall no longer be welcomed at Diameter Society in the event he returns uneaten, having lost something even more valuable in his civility.

56. As there shall be no sunset there shall be no gloaming and any player, official, or groundling who remarks upon it shall have the choice between forfeiting their wit or eyes.

57. In the event of each team ending week one with an equivalent number of quinces and gibbleys, the tie shall be broken by means of a knightly tournament proceeding in the North Newcloferwich manner, i.e. archery to melee.

58. Wesley, having proven himself a thorough woncer, shall no longer be allowed to play.

59. All beverages shall be served at a temperature of no less than four marks above a June Tuesday and failure to do so will result in the home team’s use of Swede’s Balls–or “ice”–with all subsequent dampening of their choler or other relevant humors a fair punishment.

60. Should a femalelady be discovered in the colors of a maleman, play shall cease and a council be convened in Ghent, of which any player is welcome to take part should they be able to procure passage and have grey in their beards. The remaining shall make CAMP on though grounds though not embark on any industry, taking meals from the charity of locals who will be expected to remain spectators until such time as the return of the Greybeards who shall by then have formed their own team to compete against the witch. Should they prevail, they have claim to challenge the Crown upon conclusion of the prior game.

61. Henceforth, the powdering of the wigs– or “The Blighting” in the Irish–shall be done by the lord’s second steward. Should this steward find himself disposed, a suitable wench from the local kitchen shall be allowed access to the bonedust provided she does not look upon the wizard and his horrors during the powdering of the wigs (or “The Whitenoozling” in the Australian).

62. Should her gaze catch the wizard’s she shall face trial by burial, the outcome of which will be determined by the direction of flight of the next pennysparrow. Northbound–guilty–and southbound–innocent–as it has been since the Bird Earl slew the wind. Innocence will be rewarded in the common way with no more than one ham hock provided to the girl’s master adorned with a crimson ribbon.

63. A batsman given to the smoking of tobacco leaf shall find himself a corgi he will affix with an ashtray and train to run beneath his feet in the event of a knock. Any ash falling on the pitch shall result in trial by burial with the innocence apologized for with the knighthood of the beast and the rewarding of a hamock, as is the common way.

64. In games played in the Mother Britain, the reigning Monarch has the right to change game at His or Her discretion with a cry of, “Fancy!” followed by the activity of His or Her divine inspiration.

65. Should the Monarch select a game without scorekeeping–such as the time Rupert the 4th is said to have shouted “Fancy! Love!” and begun the Epoch of Warm Feelings–play shall continue until all of those graced with the sovereign’s voice fall dead or egregiously chafed.

66. All the world’s indigo shall be required. Not for the game, but for the glory of the crown and her just and righteous peoples.

67. There shall be a pit. The diameter of the pit shall not exceed two haymongers placed end to end no matter the length of the local haymongers nor the quality of their goods. Should the pit colonize the site of an old trial by burial, the girl’s skeleton shall give chase in the comedic fashion back and forth across the field as the crowd guffaws at the addition of various comedic interlopers–bobbies and nude lasses and old men and the like–until throats grow hoarse and the skeleton grows sorrowful. The music shall continue as a reminder of the skeleton’s dry weeping.

68. There shall be a hill. This made with the leavings of the pit as each shall rise and fall in kind with a shovelful of one becoming a shovelful of the other. In this way local ragamuffins might learn both hardwork and chastity as no player who sets foot in the pit may take a wife until he hits the ball into the pit and defeats the leprachaun placed a top the hill and protecting the bride’s golden dowry.

69. For want of a leprachaun, a ragamuffin slow to the lessons of the pit shall suffice though his hair shall be dyed red and his breath made to smell of silver polish. This child may elope with the bride but only if the wizard burns a lock of her hair in a fire and divines their Lust.

70. For want of warmth, players are allowed to exchange their jerseys for topcoats and hats though the game shall otherwise proceed unabated until passing gentleman, seeing what they believe to be a masque, approach the pitch and, upon calling out what ho, begin to waltz until such time as a lady’s foot knocks over the wicket. She will be declared both man of the match and belle of the ball then carried from the grass and sacrificed to the pit for the preservation of her honor. Her lord shall be given a crimson ribbon but no ham as he will be plum full of honor.

71. The Idiot shall in no way have his path impeded nor his cries ignored as he makes his way round and round the field in search of ever greater terror in the faces of men whose lives he cannot possibly understand at such steep angle from his own. Also, he shall wear a bouncy hat bespoke with bells. Many bells!

72. There shall be no farthingales allowed to pope the waists of the gentleman players lest their corpulence exceed that of three lampreys as measured by three lampreys chosen at random from the lamprey barrel.

73. At least one fully stocked lamprey barrel need be at-hand for such measurements and provided by the home team as is the hooper to maintain the aforementioned lamprey barrel. The hooper shall be paid with his choice of the spent lampreys.

73 addendum. The lampreys must be unseasoned lampreys. Or, as the bio-alchemists would have it, freshwater lampreys.

74. In the event of fire, someone’s a witch and the king must be protected at all cost. Should the king not be in attendance, queue up the following in order of protection from the witch: the wicket keeper, the wicket, the meat pies, the time warden, the witch herself, the hooper, the Treaty of Gaul, and the masques for the post-fire ball at which each eligible lady shall have the chance to have her fortune told by the witch.

74 addendum. Each lady is allowed to trade her fortune for another’s only thrice.

75. Should a batstenant hit the ball into the south quadrant–or “The Wickedshire” as commonly known–play shall cease until a halfman might be found to quest for it with a party of great diversity and ineptitude.

76. No Welsh.

77. Some balloons.

78. Play shall cease in the event a babe of under eight timepence finds its way on to the field provided the babe displays the proper colors of its peerage. If improper colors are displayed, the babe shall be given the opportunity to form a team of one and challenge all other teams on the field. Should the babe fail to win, he shall be given to the player with the highest number of tallies. Should the babe win, he earns his choice of colors provided babes at such an age can even see colors, a fact which bio-alchemists currently disagree upon.

78 addendum. Should the babe be a commoner he must never know what he’s seen.

79. The first ball shall not bowled until the pitcher has been bathed in the Thames by the water brigade at which point the gentleman or lady–but definitely gentleman–shall be allowed to toss the ball with no more than daisy’s worth of dew remaining.

80. There shall be a fee to trade players from one team to another though this fee shall only be known only to the ledgerswain until the time of the player’s demise at which point it shall be made known to the player in the leaves of his final cup of tea upon the morn of his death at which point it must be balanced or the one in question shall never die.

80 addendum. The fee shall not exceed one jackpence.

80 addendum two. The player may in fact die, argue the bio-alchemists.

81. Betwixt the first and second innings there shall be the third inning also known commonly as the half-florin though a Brixton man, gin having made him cleverer than God thought proper, might say ‘ay, two bob a bit’ for which he shall be most severely caned. After the caning, play shall, naturally, resume in the 8th inning.

82. Let us consider for a moment the plight of the Fool set upon by the wooligogs of his own madness.

83. The glove flirtations of the ladies in attendance shall be subject to the authority of the Earl of groundsmen assisted in his dominion by the viscount of same. Meanings shall follow strictly the Marquess of Ailesbury Protocols with a dropped glove meaning ‘To the Garden’; an exposed thumb meaning ‘No tis the First Declension’; a slapped palm meaning ‘Does your lady mother disapprove of my gown and what pray does this mean for tonight’s masque.’ and so on and so on till the gloves fall out of fashion and a new lexicon might be inaugurated.

84. A devil’s century it shall be called when a batsman outlives his hated bowler and no matter how many fortyears hence the notice must be posted in a public square that, in the end, death won all but some more than most.

85. Should the wooligogs prove contagious through phlegm, bile, or unknown humour, play shall be suspended as we all join the army of the fool’s mind, our ultimate fate at the whimsy of his melancholic imagination. God help us. God help us all.

86. A device for succession must be drafted before play can proceed and before that a census of faith taken by cincture. Should an unparallel number of Papists and Protestants appear, the side of superior numbers shall by rights declare it a WAR! and water the pitch with whichever blood is determined by the victors to be pagan. Should equal weight be found, the looks passed between players shall be of dubious character.

87. My dearest Martha, it grows dire here in the dark alleyways of the Fool’s mind and should you find me eternally lost think only of the time we spent after you dropped your glove in that garden abutting the abbey. The wooligogs scream their silent scream.

88. Mayhaps instead of tea we might try the tonics the men remember so fondly from their time in Rhodesia and how it provided the vigor needed to defeat both the Roman Fever and the trouble.

89. The southron practice of conscripting Scots femurs for the wicket is henceforth condemned as somatically unsound lest they come from the same Scotsman and are found by a chemist to be free of rheumatism.

90. At the last minute of light the battle shall commence and be lost within a robin’s wink. The Fool, does he dance or cry?